There is no way to say it all, so play it again.
I heard a little; the rest is a riddle.
I see a wilderness for you and me
Punctuated by philosophy
I’m wondering how things could’ve been
I’m happy for you
You’ve made it hard for me
I counted on your company
You are staying with your friends tonight
I’m feeling sorry for myself
I keep taking everything to be a sign
I wish I could be less of a dork and just talk to you, but I don’t have that kind of courage. Because right now, I’m pretty sure I’m in the “Friend Zone,” which means I’m not in the “Good Friend Zone,” but just the regular, “hey you’re there, I’ll talk to you” zone. I want to be your close friend, I want us to do stuff together, I want to just talk, but you’re leaving soon so I feel like if I don’t tell you, you’ll just never know. Maybe that’s better, but I really like you and it kills me to watch you just walk away. And at the same time, I think it’s better to keep it to myself. I’m not the kind of person who forces herself on another person because “I’m really in love this time, guys!” It’s just not me. Maybe when I was a naïve little girl, but not now. Now, I’ve grown up. I know what’s good for me and what’s bad for me.
I suppose it’s a mix of good and bad, this thing. Telling you means exposing myself. Keeping it from you means holding this secret forever. Who knows when we’ll meet again? Who knows if we’ll actually keep up our obscure conversations. But I really like you. I really do. I wish I knew what you were thinking so I could just decide whether or not to can these feelings. I don’t really know that I want a relationship, but I know I want to watch the seasons pass with you at my side and talk about the silly things that happen at school.
I wish I could just tell this to your face.
Song: “I’m a Cuckoo” Dear Catastrophe Waitress Belle and Sebastian
Lay beneath the willow tree
Make me laugh and then I see
That even if the rain did fall
‘Cause I’m with you I wouldn’t mind at all
I feel like even if there was an awkward pause somewhere in our oddly meaningless yet meaningful conversations, I wouldn’t mind as much as I usually do. It wouldn’t bother me at all just to sit and enjoy the silence together.
Sometimes when I’m joking, I feel like it would actually be fun to do the things we pretend to plan. You seem to make my day that much better by just walking and talking with me. I think this is the start of an awesome friendship.
Song: “Lovely Day” Songs from the Coach House Finn Wallace
Emerging from the gentle grip of night’s unfolding arms
Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone?
The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone
If only I had something relevant to say.. I guess what today feels like is that I’m stuck between people. There are people I’ve been hanging out with and, for whatever reason, am getting sick of. On the other hand, there are people I want to hang out with, but I’m not really in the “good friend” zone yet. But there are also those other people that I used to hang out with and am now completely sick of.
I’m trying to write more and get my thoughts out, but whenever I think of writing, I think of writing something for AP English. I’m a good essay-writer; not so much a journal-writer. I could be a journalist if all else fails in later life, I guess..
I’ve been going back through my music library lately, and I’m trying to stay away from too much anime stuff for a change. Bands I’m spamming at the moment include: The Hush Sound, Sondre Lerche, Phoenix, and All-American Rejects. Also some of The Temptations. Just can’t resist that oldies motown funk..
So, that’s probably it for today. I’ll come back with something more eventful next time.
Song: “You Are the Moon” Likes Vines The Hush Sound
but in reality, she doesn’t even know me
Just my imagination — once again —
running away with me.
Tell you it was just my imagination
running away with me.
There are a lot of times when I wish I was attached. There are some people I’m pretty close to, but I don’t think and I’m not sure if they think of me that way. I wonder and wonder, but it’s not worth it to risk a good friendship for something like that.
Song: “Just My Imagination” Sky’s the Limit The Temptations
Someone gives and you recieve,
But somewhere along the way,
Our luck runs out again
Is it too much to give someone a heartfelt, handmade gift and then expect a little something back, even just the acknowledgement of your birthday?
I just feel like you don’t care anymore.
Song: “All Luck Ran Out” Faces Down Sondre Lerche
‘till it’s too late
to find out who you were
If you had let me make
one honest mistake
I’d try to change your mind
We’ve sent letters out there
but you don’t care
You know you’ll manage alone
We’ve sent letters to you
They never get through
‘Cause you’ll get by on your own
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on here. And now it’s 2010.
Sometimes, I just feel like I try to tell you things, but you don’t listen or you don’t feel like paying attention. I dunno, I could really care less if anyone listened, I just need to put my thoughts out there sometimes. If I really needed you to hear it, I’d look you straight in the face and repeat it until you acknowledged it. It seems like some people think I don’t listen. The truth is, I do. I take in every word you say, I just don’t always have something to say about it. So really, if it seems like I’m ignoring you, I’m not. I don’t ignore people, I just don’t always say things back.
I guess what’s happening here is that these messages are going out, and they’re running all over the place, with no clear destination. It’s kind of like a train that goes through a tunnel and secretly switches one car for another on a different train, taking that one car to a phantom town while the other goes to its true destination. Or maybe it’s kind of like an accidental mass text. I guess that’s probably the best way to put it for those who don’t think like I do.
The thing is, I don’t put my problems on here to be solved. It’s just the easiest way for me to get them out of my system. Honestly, if I put something out on here, I’m not expecting you to talk to me about it, whether discreetly or openly. In fact, if something comes up on here, chances are I really don’t want to talk about it at all. Truthfully, I sometimes just post on here to let you know I haven’t jumped off the nearest bridge to my beautifully tragic death. A lot of times, I’ll bring up this page and just write, not for myself, but for the thousands upon thousands [more like two] of people reading this.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I’m fine. I don’t know about you or your mom or your cat, but I’m alright. But honestly, if you really cared all that much to come read this, especially since I didn’t leak this link to people I didn’t think actually cared at the time, you’d have the heart/dedication/love/whatever the hell you want to call it….to just call me, come up to me and talk…something. If you really think that lurking around this blog and not actually talking to me directly about my life is “caring” about me, well..I don’t think so. I don’t think you really love me so much as you tell yourself. But now, the bitch is coming loose and that’s not what I intended. Really, the way I work is with a small group of extremely close friends. I don’t let anything happen to them, and they don’t let anything happen to me. We trust each other. I trust them with even darker [well, as dark as I can get] secrets than you’ve read on here.
When it all comes down to it, there are some things you ought to know.
Yes, I’ve had a boyfriend, no, I don’t have one now.
Yes, I know how to let go and trust people, no I won’t throw caution to the winds for just anyone.
Yes, to get into my small circle of friends, you’ll have to show me why you deserve to be there.
No, I probably won’t let you in unless I see something worthwhile there.
And as this post comes to a close, I realize that probably most people will TLDR it, and I could really care less.
I don’t even care if you stay long enough to sit through this, it doesn’t prove anything. If you really cared all that much, you might make some more of an effort than posting a response blog. You’d get over your fears and phobias, you’d risk getting shot down just to say what you’re really thinking. Because really, when I look into most people’s faces, I don’t see anything worth saving.
Song: “It’s Too Late” Two Way Monologues Sondre Lerche
Where it goes you’ll know
Where it leads.
Follow your instinct
You might finally
Find the one missing link.
I wish I could say this was possible for me, but it’s really not. Too many people send me mixed signals. |:
Song: “Follow the Arrow” Rosie Golan
Pardon my ignorance, dear.
I just don’t get the lingo’ you speak.
To me, it just sounds Greek.
Hmm..trying to get away from my blogspot. I tend to rant and complain, but I hope whoever reads this doesn’t think I’m too conceited.
I’ll try not to be nasty.
Song: “I’m Not From Here” Duper Sessions Sondre Lerche
